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Established: our balls are still intact. Can't say the same for everyone else.

Baseballing Hurricane Gaby Sanchez will suit up at first in today's Marlins-Canes exhibition game in Jupiter, as a Marlin. And if that's starting job he can't win, he should probably quit baseball forever. Just sayin'.

Brandon Washington, from yesterday:

This can't be life... MCL sprain...possible tear...FML

FOL, we say, but this morning it would appear the injury is just a sprain and will only sideline our chocolate donut hole for a week or two. THANK GOD.

In which Jacory Harris claims Tommy Streeter "can keep up with" Travis Benjamin. We know this can't be entirely true, and yet we're sitting in a puddle. Scamps!

Game, over. Bullet, dodged. Who'd have thought two, and possibly three, of Rasputin's minions would fail into the pathetic clutches of Kansas State? Oh, right. Us.

Who has the object of Coach K's first-ever conchening? AN IDENTITY THIEF.

Only U

"They literally ripped [the conch shell] out of my hands," says [UM senior] Joey Difrancesco.

After the game, Joey -- who has been "mastering" the perfect blow for years and bringing the thing to games for months -- went to claim his makeshift horn. He was horrified to learn someone else had swiped it.

The shell originally belonged to his great-grandfather from Puerto Rico, he says, and it has more sentimental value than a baby book or a family heirloom. "It was passed down through my family for years -- do you know how valuable that is to me?" he says, completely serious. "My identity has been stolen."

Joey has since contacted the supervisor of security at the stadium to no avail. Still seething, he says: "Someone is sitting on a couch somewhere with my shell... laughing."

Actually, they're probably using it as a bong, but whatever. You're gonna live, son.

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